to love?

What does Love mean?

__
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his
hands got arthritis too. That's
love."
Rebecca- age 8

_____
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their
mouth."
Billy - age 4
(this is the one i absolutely adore.)

__
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and
they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
___

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
__
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
(this one touched my heart.)
_____
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a
sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

_____
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired
of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
_____
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7
____
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with
a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few billion more Nikka's on this planet)
_____
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears
it everyday."

Noelle - age 7
____
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

_____
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees
Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says
he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
____
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
____
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old clothes and has to go out and buy new
ones."
Lauren - age 4
( innocence of a little child simply shines, doesn't it?)
_____
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7
( i would like to see that.)
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
_____
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But
if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
(i think this is the one that strikes me the most. cause i constantly think of how true this is.)
_____

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.


Upon seeing the man cry, the
little boy went into the old
gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the
little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry


What is love?
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?
It isn't love, it's LIKE.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of her/him?
It isn't love, it's LUST.
Are you proud, and eager to show her/him off?
It isn't love, it's LUCK.
Do you want her because you know she's/he's there?
It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.
Are you with her/him because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't love, it's LOYALTY.
Are you with her because she/he kissed you, or held your hand?
It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.
Do you stay for her/him confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt her/him?
It isn't love, it's PITY.
Do you belong to her/him because the sight of her/him makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.
Do you pardon her faults because you care about her/him?
It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.
Do you tell her/him every day she is the only one you think of?
It isn't love, it's a LIE.
Are you willing to give up all of your favorite things for her sake?
It isn't love, it's CHARITY.
Does your heart ache and break when he/she's sad?
Then it's LOVE.
Do you cry for her/his pain, even when she's/he's strong?
Then it's LOVE.
Do her/his eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's LOVE.
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you to her/him?
Then it's LOVE.
Do you accept her/his faults because it's a part of who she/he is?
Then it's LOVE.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret?
Then it's LOVE.
Would you give her/him your heart, your life, your death?
Then it's LOVE.
Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love?
Why is it all we search for in life?
This pain, this agony? Why is it all we long for?
This torture, this powerful death of self?
Why?
The answer is so simple cause it's...LOVE.
It is such an addictive thing that even people who are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others as well.

sorry for all of this emo shit.
i don't know why i'm posting this in the first place.
it just strikes me.
maybe nessa is ust looking for love.
i don't know.
or maybe nessa has had enough of love.

it means one thing.

a year ago was the first time i felt your love.
your warmth.
i rememebred how it went.
cause every part of it was still clearly embedded in my mind.
how short a year has become.
but i still rememebr every move.
every word.
every feeling that i felt when i was in your arms.
it was the first hug we had.

on a less weird note.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
where you can go trick or treating.
have plenty of candy.
and go high on them!
and cam whore in your awesome costumes.

and tomorrow it will be all saints day.
for all the saints in heaven.
tomorrow is you day.

just like it was ours.

i have to go for mass later!
and amanda never reply me!
i thought that messages sent were meant to be replied?
boohoo.

don't say i never try.
cause when i took the first step to trying.
you simply blew me off.

i've got a weight off my shoulders.
i'm back in class.
scandals are going aound the class.
everyone say hip hip hooray!
but it has nothing to do with me.
just getting a laugh out of it.

its 8 more days to my birthday!
i shall sing my birthday song to myself 8 days from now.
and no one shall stop me!
i have to go to school la!
what the heck.
cause the zoo has left me.
and left me all alone.
how could you zoo?
you broke my heart!

people who are about to buy my present.
please let me know what you're buying.
so i can tell the other people not to buy the same thing as you.
haha.

a song to post?
none today.
cause nessa has no inspiration.
ok.
maybe now i do.
and this is for my friend who rocks shitloads.

seems like it was yesterday.
when i saw your face.
you told me how proud you were,
but i walked away.
if only i knew what i know today.
i would hold you in my arms.
i would take the pain away.
thank you for all you've done.
forgive all your mistakes.
there's nothing i wouldn't do.
to hear your voice again.
sometimes i wanna call you.
but i know you won't be there.
i'm sorry for blaming you.
for everything i just couldn't do.
and i've hurt myself by hurting you.
some days i feel broken inside.
but i won't admit.
sometimes i just wanna hide.
cause its you i miss.
and its do hard to say goodbye.
when it comes to this.
would you tell me i was wrong?
would you help understand.
are you looking down upon me?
are you proud of who i am?
there's nothing i wouldn't do.
to have one more chance.
to look in your eyes.
and see you looking back.
if i had just one more day.
i would tell you how much i've missed you.
since you've been away.
its dangerous.
its so out of line.
to try and turn back time.
i'm sorry for blaming you.
for everything i just couldn't do.
and i've hurt myself.
by hurting you.

kindest words.

laurie;
oh my dear.
thank you love.
for that song.
and for you're encouraging words.
it kept my chin up and face the world and my problems.
even though you're so far away.
you're still a part of my life.

thats why i should say thank you.
for helping.
for those kind words.
for being a friend.
for being an angel sent by God.

i love you.
even though we're not close.
its really nice to know that you're there for me.

and thank you for not judging.

sheryl;
thank you love.
i really hope you know that i miss you.
alot.
and i swear i'm not a lesbian.
and go to school together.
you should know that i can't have lunch.
dinner maybe.
and shopping with our pay!
i love you dear.
you're still the love of my life.


i'm not going to be cynical.
but this is true.
i know you're trying to be optimistic.
but think about it.
how long?
how long can you hold on and not break?
how long can you keep waiting?
how long can you be numb and miserable.
how much longer are you going to cry to yourself.
i'm trying to be a friend to you.
thats why i keep from saying what i think.
what i feel.
so as not to spoil anything.
can i tell you what i feel?
i just feel that i should.
as a friend, to let you see both sides.
it seems that your best friend is helping a whole lot.
so maybe i'll keep this to myself.
and thats all i'm going to say.

i don't want history to repeat itself and spoil everything.
cause i don't want to give you a reason not to trust me.
i want this to be one of the things i've done right.

i'm not saying that you can't be optimistic.
but not to a point where you're deceiving yourself.
i won't allow that.
cause if it comes to that.
i'm willing to risk this friendship.
you know that i will do this when i have to.

i haven't got much left to live for anyway.

are you going to wait until the end of time.
what if that is not the one God has chosen for you?
are you going to close yourself up and be blind?
and not see the rest of the world?

as much as i still love you.
as much as i'm willing to do what you're doing now.
wait.
i'm not.
cause i'm not holding on anymore.
for a very basic reason.
and i'm not ruling other people out.
i'm willing to give it a shot.
give others a shot.
and you still mean something thats why i try to be there for you.

the reason why you rock shitloads.
is because you're always there for me no matter what.
and you've suffered cause of it.
now i want to be there for you.
like i always was.
but are you willing to let me?
thats what i want to know.
maybe you can be the one to tell me.
and when i have the answer.
i can do my things properly.

and don't give me the rubbish that i'm not the ready one.
your bloody head.
if you want me there.
then tell me.
then say it.
if not.
let me know.
and i'll leave you alone.
and as far away as possible.

i'm not the unhappy one.

what happened.
the emo shits.
happened.
and i told you the reason why.

if i've never given you a reason.
then why?
it simply feels that you aren't trusting me one bit.

i'll wait for your decision.
but i can only wait for so long.
i'm not blindly in love with you anymore.
so i won't wait stupidly until the end of eternity or something.
i'll only wait until the limit.

like pet always said.
you're mine as much as i am yours.
what she meant was.
i should be willing to give as much as you would give.
if you would give me your trust.
i would give you mine.
if you would give me your friendship.
i will give you mine.
if you would give me your love.
i will give you mine.
what ever you put into this.
i'll put in just as much.
i hope you get what i mean.

when you're gone

soul searching?
not quite yet.

just seeing what i should have seen a long time ago.

maybe i just chose not to see it.
i don't know.
but all i realised was how people can be easily replaced.

am i nothing?
have i no place anywhere?
i don't know.
it just feels like it.
i'm just tired.
that everysingle time i'll be the one to make the first move.

face it.
i'm always the one asking you out.
who ever you are.

i miss sheryl.

i've told a friend of mine.
that i'm really close to giving everything up.
and i really do mean everything.

family, friends.
school.
even work.

just simply everything.

i've tried and i've tried.
to open up.
to the people who have waited and the people who i have failed.
but everytime.
i reach for the phone.
i become a coward.
and i just can't seem to do it.

i cant even call my friend and cry out to him now.
when it used to be so easy.
to just call him.
and spill everything out.
and cry.
but i can't.

since you said that i've never given you a reason.
then why.
fuck.
i don't know what i'm talking about now.

for the past three days.
all i've been doing.
is just to break down and cry.
and i still don't know why.

when i said that i was going to start things over.
i meant it.
i really do.
and it seems that i can't do it properly.
and neither can you.

what happened to my divine intervention?
they ran away.
and left me all alone.

nessa is just going to shrivel up and die.
soon.

i'm sorry friend.
i'm not saying that i'm not going to try.
just that.
its a tough period now.
for me.
i should have just called and talked to you.
just missed the times.
where we would talk late into the night.
about everything and nothing at all.
and how i thought everything was going to be just fine.
cause we're going to trust each other again.
but it doesn't seem to be the case.
cause it just feels that way.


i hate this point of time.
where everything is a mess and i have control over nothing at all.

if anything is going to make me smile.
i don't know.
maybe its to feel that i'm needed.
or jared and his stupid song.

i wanted to be like you.
i wanted everything.
so i tried to be like you.
and i got swept away.
i didnt know that it was so cold and
you needed someone
to show you the way.
so i took you hand and we figured out that
when the time comes
i'd take you away.
if you wan to
i can save you
i can take you away from here.
so lonely inside
so busy out there
and all you wanted was somebody who cares.
i'm sinking slowly.
so hurry hold me.
your hand is all i have to keep me hanging on.
please can you tell me
so i can finally see.
where you go when you're gone.
all you wanted was somebody who cares.
if you need me you know i'll be there.

please can you tell me.
so i can finally see.
where you go when you're gone.


i asked for sometime off.
even though i don't know why.
sanity please.
come and help me survive this.

blind to fate.

it hurts to have time to myself.
it hurts to think.
it hurts to know even.
even though i have no idea what i'm talking about.

i don't want to lose control.
of what i think.
of how i feel.
of what i feel.
i know that escaping is not a good thing at all.
but thats the only think i can do that doesn't hurt.

school, work, church.
drowning myself in everything i do.
so that i won't have time to myself to think.
to feel useless.
to get hurt even.

i've lose control.
and it won't be long before i lose control of my sanity.
i'm tired and my head hurts.
and i can't to anything about it.
physically and emotionally tired.
drained more like it.
i've pushed myself to the limit and maybe this is the result.
maybe i can' take it anymore.
i dont know.

i need someone.
just to hold me.
even if i cry.

click on it.

whooo!
i think i'm poor shit now.
cause nessa tried to live the high life.
yesterday.
eat and eat.
went to swensens with one of my classmate.
had a sandwhich.
yum yum.
and some white chocolate blondie thing.
it had yummy pie and ice cream on it!
something like apple cumble.
but not the same.
i dont even know what i'm talking about.
haha.

and then i met my friend.
and we went to jacks place.
althought neither one of us were that hungry.
so i don't know why we orders so much also.
lamb and chicken combo.
potato skin.
yumyum(:
my soup.
there was garlic bread, but he ate it for me.
i ate the fishy for teh combo.
while my friend savoured on the lamb.
and two slices of tomato, one slice of cucumber and A SPOONFUL of corn.
my friend likes to make me eat veggies.
i don't know why.
he says that it is to make me prettier.
haha.
oh well.

bestfriend;
i'm gaining weight ok!
cause im eating ohsomuch!
like.
5 meals a day.
so don't worry.
by the time you see me.
i'll be back to where i was.
fat a chubby.
like the way you like it.
alright?

prince;
sorry!
that i didn't support the match today.
noone told me by the way.
and i was kinda upset that you all lost.
but no worries.
chin up all!
you all will do better.
haha.
alright?

i don't want to.
but i really am going to do this.
and it won't be long.
until i do.

i hate it when i have time alone to myself.
cause when i have nothing to do.
i think.
and i hate to think.

i've never given you a reason.
but you've given me every reason to do so.
where do i stand?
really?
honestly?
where do i stand?
or am i the one you look for when you have no one else?
and expect me to be there all the same.
even after you have neglected me.
i don't want you to do this because its an obligation.
you don't have to let me know.
cause i can see it in your actions.


its real late.
about a quarter to one.
i'm thinking about everything we've become
and i hate it, i thought we could make it.
but i'm ready to scratch this.
i saw her pictures in the letters she sent.
you had me thinking you were out.
with your friends, i'm so foolish.
played me like i'm stupid.
cause i thought it was just you and i.
now i look back on the time that we spent.
and i, see it in my mind.
playing it over and over again.
cause boy right now, you got me breaking down.
and i jsut cna't figure out why.
but this is what you said.
we ride
when we ride, we ride
its till the day that we die.
we used to say
when we ride, we ride
its till the day that we die.
visions i my mind of the day we met.
you showed me things that i'll never forget.
took me swimming in the ocean
you had my head up in the clouds
made me feel like i'm floating.
you think i'm playing.
when you know its the truth,
no one else can do it quite like i do.
all my kisses and my loving.
but ain't nobody better than us.
i guess its over indeffinatley.
but you and i know.
its not that easy to let go of everything.
that we planned and start all over again.
just blame it on yourself cause you blew it.
i won't forget how you do it.
my sweet baby this is where the game ends.
now, somehow, wanna believe
you and me we can figure it out.

let me go.

i got so much to say.
but i don't know where to start.
oh screw shit.

i don't appreciate what you did last night.
at one in the fucking morning.
i don't bloody hell care if you get into trouble.
you want to know that reason?
well let me tell you.
i want you to move on.
and get out of my life.
i've supposrted you these past years.
no matter what you've done for me,
i've stuck by you.
and its become too much for me to take.
it has.
i've wanted to do this for so long.
but the guilt trip your sister constantly placed on me kept me here until now.
but my shoulders are heavy.
from the weight of us both.
i can't do this anymore.
you have to do this with someone else.
i cannot keep up with you.
i'm getting tired.
i'm sorry sam.
i really am.
but stand on your own two feet.
stop being spoilt.
stop being pampered.
you can't have everything you want.
i can't give you anything anymore sam.
nothing left.
its not going to be fine.
its not going to be alright.
and i'm sorry for it.
but i have to do this.
if you care.
you would know.
if you care.
you would let me do this.
so please.
let me do this.


i know what i am to you.
even after so long.
its just this.
a replacement.
when you have no one else.
i fill in for them.
i'm nothing to you.
i'm getting tired of trying.
soon.
i'll just give up.
soon.

i don't know why i still respect you.
but even if you died.
maybe i'll simply feel indifferent.
you never played a part as a parent.
you're not a part of my life.
you've caused me more harm than anyone had.
screw you.
you've never lifted a finger to help.
you were never around.

photoblog

i got all lazy to blog.
but luckily.
i get to go home early!
whee!

i updated my photoblog.
i know that i said that i won't update until miss koh does so.
and so.
i went back on my wrod.
so what?
sorry la.
anyway.
i'm not going to link it yet.
when i'm free i guess.
so i'll just put the hyper link HERE.
feel free to visit.
and i'll figure out how to put on halo scan.
thank you very much.

take me with you.

i think nessa should start her day with one particular song every morning.
that one hit wonder by the wonders.
it gets me in a jumpy mood.
but i can't seem to choose cause i put everything on shuffle.
oh thank you very much.
how smart you really are.

i think nessa is being over worked as well.
a twelve hour shift yeaterday.
from 8 in the morning to 8 in the bloody evening.
oh my goodness.
i was supposed to end at 6.
but since.
the people who i was supposed to watch a movie with.
got so bloody lazy to come ehre and watch my movie with me, i continued working.

my classmate spent $50 bucks on sweets.
from the arcade.
cause she was happily playing with the thingy there.
and i got a marshmallow chocolate!

SUNDAY;
i went to karina's 21st party.
retro style!
and i got nothing to wear la.
goodness me.
so i had on my bimbo head band.
and my red zara top.
and no make up!
haha.
and glasses too.
i think i look absolutely stupid.
pictures at photoblog!
only after sher puts up some pics.

MONDAY;
i didn't go to school.
haha.
cause i got too lazy to wake up.
but i went out.
with my anonymous friend.
and we went to CHIJMES.
explored it.
whoopie.
and we went cam whoring with my camera.
and we had ben and jerry's!
trust my sense of ice cream next time alright?
i know i'm good at things lke this.
haha.
and we had no idea CHIJMES was all that beautiful.
with pretty fountains.
and stained glass.
the museum next time alright?
and many more artistic pictures!
haha.
fourty over.
until my battery died.
haha.
oh!
and we went to the cathedral of the good sherpard.
and i dind't know they had pretty gardens.
it just makes me feel like i don't know.
peaceful.
and i wat to stay there forever.
i wanted to show my friend the organs.
the GRAND organs with the organ pipes everywhere.
damn nice.
the place is so old.
but it makes you feel all so peaceful at the same time.
i want to go there again.
and go to the museum.
and the zoo!
please bring me there!

the chinese room

i just read dear's fiancee's blog.
and one post got me thinking.
maybe i don't know who it was for.
but it got me thinking.

i know tat there are a couple of people there who continually wait for me.
to open up to them.
to let them be there for me.
cause nessa can be the most stubborn girl in the world.
maybe i'm afraid.
maybe i'm scared.
that you all won't be just as accepting.
after i let go of this charade.
or will you go crazy if i told you the truth.
pet.
callisa.
or even varian.

but don't you realise that you're already more than a friend?
by giving me joy in my heart.
colours in my life.
and forget my worries.
everysingle moment i am with you.

i know i never contact you first.
but just know that i'm always in your heart.
and my word.
then the next time i feel down.
you'll be the one to hold me.
even if you don't want me to.
i would run to you.


so the past few days got me thinking as well.

what makes a good relationship?
everyone knows that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
but isn't part of a realtionship meaning that you accept the other party for who they are?
and loving them for who they are and not who you want them to be?
isn't it about growing together?
and when it comes to catholics like us.
involving God in our relationship?
isn't it about make changes in yourself to make ths relationship even better?
to try your best to make it perfect.

well, i think it means being giving and selfish at the same time.
relationships can bring out the best and the worst out of people.
it can break you or it can make you.
but never say i love you unless you damn fucking sure you do love that person.

nessa has been in a few relationships.
a couple were good.
and some just ended like shit.
but the one thing that nessa never did during all of these.
was to think about what ifs.
the one thing i was proud and not so proud of.
was to give everything i had into it.
and experiance it whole.
it was good in such a way.
that the joy i had was boundless.
the bad thing?
you get heartbreak.
the full blown effect.

when it comes to relationships,
nessa likes to be pampered.
but she pampers too.
and nessa puts the one she loves first.
i don't know why.
but she does.
nessa get naive.
and dumb.
but still.
she gives all she had.
nessa wants someone she can trust.
with everything she got.


you;
i don't know how i'm going to say this to you.
but.
i don't think i'm ready to start anything with you.
because you don't know me for who i am.
pet, callisa, varien.
and alot more.
my darkened past.
my twisted mind.
what you see the exterior.
you don't see me for who i really am.
which is why this clearly won't work.
i'll just have to see if this is worth it.
before i give this a shot.
before i give us a shot.


nessa is walking on the haze.
i wanted to say walking on clouds.
but.
the haze is killing and irritating me.
but nessa had a nice chat with someone who has a stupid name.
foodstuffs.
i think his imagination died.
gosh.
its been long since i've actually talked on the phone.
no matter who it is.
cause i've been coming home late in the morning cause of work.
but last night.
i had no work.
and i actually wanted to sleep.
but nessa was talking on the phone until like almost three in the morning.
and nessa had to wake some pig up.
haha.
then she couldn't wake up.
mummy got really pissed at me.
haha.
oh well.
i don't really care.
i got work tomorrow.
and hopefully watch a movie after that!
whee!
finally.
a movie.
its been so long.
so lets jsut go and watch a movie at the largest cinema there is at vivocity.
and comedy.
and eat carls jr.
and be fat!
like what shabin said.

i'm sorry bestfriend!
that i lost so much of weight.
and uncle tim too.
but this is bound to happen when you lose weight.
i think i shall change the fats to muscles.
so i won't look skinny.
i'll look healthy.
but i don't think i'm skinny.

i'm not la.
haha.
but i shall be fatter for you all.

nessa is hungry.
and she should go and eat now.
but she shall post a song before that.


i used to know you like the back of my hand.
until today you held your place.
now you're shifting the sand.
your cheast would heave with pride if i were spoken of.
till tonight i never knew the difference between comfort and love.
although you're sleeping right next to me.
well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant fream.
leading a life that is finally free.
of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be.
this is so difficult for the both of us.
i know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us.
well its not than a shame that we lost this game.
all my walking, talking, sleeping breathing-
nothing will ever be the same.
i used to hole you like its all that i had.
now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad.
your mouth would crack a smile if i were spoken of.
till tonight you never thought.
you'd lose this epic battle with love.
for what its worth, i've always admired you.
i always thought that we could make it through.
now look what time can do.
it took our masterpeice we builts and broke it in tow.
i always believed in you.
i always loved you.


i think nessa is being done reflective.
and its not often nessa gets to this.
she shall go back to being dumb.
and keep myself away from emo stuff.

i think sheryl should do something about the photoblog soon!
there are onlu like, two posts.
and they are all mine la please!
sheryl koh xue er!
do it soon please!
i want it to be all pretty!
thank you very much!

and FOODSTUFFS!
i don't like that name.
cause its all not nice.
and its random.
just like carparks and bus stops!
so i'm supposed to start every message with foodstuffs?
not nice!
i don't like.
come up with something nicer alright?
i know you can do it!
I KNOW YOU CAN!

oh yes,
maybe you aren't ready yet.
thats why you didn't reply me?
i don't know.
i mean what i said.
about trusting you all over again.
and about giving you all the time you need.
i don't mind.
anything to save this friendship.
i'm willing to try with you,
as much as everyone else.
and don't be sad.
cause you're the one who don't want me to call you precious anymore!
so yupp.
up to you.
just no foodstuffs.
to make me hungry!
yupp.
all the time you need.
love.
you still rock shitloads.


miss jane has a really weird house.
her room is so girlish.
i'm at her house now.
using her lappy.
and talking about her gay classmate.
to miss debbie wong.
alright.

and i don't believe in me being online.
when i'm not even signed in on miss jane's laptop.
so it means.
mummy is being horrible for using my laptop.

bye all.


goodnight and goodbye.

bound to happen

nessa is shit assed tired.
8 hours of work with very little food and water.
and it feels like war at hwere i'm working.
cause its all squashy.
and irritating.

nessa should be sleeping soon.
very soon.
cause nessa is damn tired even though she had about more than ten hours of sleep.
nessa needs to recharge her mp3.
if not she will die going to church tomorrow.

sean is greedy FULLSTOP
and he's supposed to think of something nice.
you know what right?
no foodstuffs!
cause i don't want to be hungry halfway all.
i want nice meaningful ones.

I THINK CHRISTIE SHOULDN'T BE EMO!
don't think too much.
smile.
you know you can do this.

nessa keeps telling everyone to smile.
but she can't seem to find the energy to smile at work.
she is tired shit.
she needs to sleep soon.
and nessa is broke shit too.
oh my.

the butterfly effect.

nessa hates the haze.
and she wants to sleep.

hello everyone,
meet dray.
my friend.
who has been there for so many years.
he is the perfect everything.
he held me when i sleep.
he wiped my tears away.
he accompanies me to school.
and to church.
and to everywhere else.
there was never a moment he where he would leave me alone.
he loves me and i love him.
alot alot.
he has been there for so many years.
so please.
everyone meet dray.
my pillow.

so nessa was being lame.
forgive her.
she's been waitng for so long.
a few days actually.
a few day more yeah.
ahhh!
no.
as long as you want.
thats what i said.

i'm glad that claire is trying to be there for him.
i want to do the same.
but.
give him space and give him time.
nessa is more than ready.
but is he?
chin up sean and be strong!
you're not going to die, you're not going to fall.
i know.
cause you're stronger than i am.
and cause you rock shitloads.
=))

i don't know what to say to you.
you try and you try.
just give me somemore time.
i see the hints.
i know what you're trying to do.
i know you've always been there.
i mean.
so far anyway.
give me time and maybe i'll come to you.
and give this one shot.
i don't know maybe.
see how?

it wasn't the need or the passion.
nor the want for anything we weren't supposed to.
it was the moment.
where we held each other close.
that i could feel your warmth.
you could complete it by saying those few words.
and i can die a happy girl.
it didnt mean nothing for me.
even though i don't know what it meant for you.
but i thought that i would just let it out.
lift off the heavy burden.
just so you know.
it was as special as it always was.

nessa has been feeling better nowadays.
emo-ness is kinda gone.
and her chin is up!
yes.
things are getting good.
thanks to everyone who have helped in one way or another.
sheryl,
christie,
W14M,
petina,
callisa,
varien,
claire for that little uplifting mesage although we aren't talking.
thank you all.
you guys rock.
love you all.

you'll always have my heart.
you'll always have my love.
you'll always have me.
and i'll always be yours.

set me up for the fall.

nessa should not read sean's blog until she is sure that he is not emo anymore.
cause nessa needs to surround herself with non emo stuff.
and keep her head up and be happy.

so should you sean.
turn off the damn radio!
it is evil!
and keep your head up.
if you see this. smile alright?
i can't do anything much for you right now.
so the best i can do is to ask you to smile.

nessa was late for school today.
cause she couldn't wake up.

i think nessa is going to take down her tagboard.
cause no one tags and she gets depressed over little things like this.
haha.

i think class 95 should be banned.

and math should be banned as well.
cause i don't understand it.
and i haven't done my reflection journal.

anyway.
nessa had a nice sleep.
dreamless sleep so that she could finally rest.
AND NOT THINK OF ANYTHING.
and i couldn't wake up.
i didn't want to wake up.

depression is hanging in the air.
like the damn haze.
let it go away please.

to all the depressed people.
please.
God is with you.
don't do anything stupid.
and stop crying please.
thank you all.
cause you all are making em emo too.
and making me cry too.
knowing that i can't do anything to help anyone of you.

yes, nessa feels useless as of now.

so after yummy food during break.
i think nessa feels better.
to those who never fails to make nessa laugh.
thank you wee wee!
i need to go home and sleep.
and rest.

nessa wants her pay soon!
now!
haha.
so that she can buy alot of yummy stuff!
and pretty things too.
nessa is going to be rich.

i love being materialistic.
for the moment.
its better than anything else.

a week is going to be up.
i'm anxious.
i know.
but still.
take all the time you want alright?
i don't mind.

=))

photoblog!
its something done by me and sher.
although its not really complete.
i just want to show the rest of the world the unglam pictures of someone i went out with yesterday.
read on if you want to know.
but here it is.
click HERE for pictures!

raise me up.

you know something?
everytime i feel down.
or empty.
i'll just read the blog of dear friend antaeus.
cuase it never fails to lighten up my mood and inspire me.
i think he rocks.
a special gift he has.
i know it.
i miss talking to you!
and falling asleep on the way.
i think i should talk to you soon.
what do you think.
and have much more rubbish together!
i think we need this.

this little light of mine

i think nessa just loves to talk to herself before she sleeps.
and goes tells herself to stop crying.
that she should toughen herself up and be stronger than this.
yeah.
just stop crying.
but never lose faith.

and so she messaged him last night.
so what?
ok.
fine.
she wasn't supposed to.
not until he tells you that he's ready.
but i felt weird la.
i was debating with myself in the room.
literally.
i kept telling myself that if he needs someone, he will know where to look for help.
but we all know who's the stubborn one here la.
and so nessa was crying and debating with pet.
who never seems to be able to pass on properly.
why can't people jsut die properly.
and varien was there.
although i can't really see him.
but nessa felt him there.
haha.
good baby varien.
and so nessa was saying no, don't message him.
until he was ready.
but pet was like.
you need to get it out of your system!
you know he's upset and down.
and he needs some encouraging words.
and somehow, pet always wins.
but i was praying he didn't reply.
and thank the sweet Lord that he didn't.

nessa was letting everything out.
cried and cried and cried last night.
i don't know for what reason also.
actually.
i know why.
i felt helpless.
i felt useless.
like i couldn't do anything to help anyone.
you.
or even him.
so nessa just sat there crying.

but before i slept.
i felt more ready then ever.
maybe all i needed to do was to let it out.
nessa is an emotional girl.
so forgive her.
and she just let it all out.
she's feeling better now.
she's ready.
now more than ever.

maybe its karma.
now you know how it feels.
the pain i went through when i lost someone i loved so much.
but hang in there.
i almost died when it happened.
but you're stronger than i am.
you'll be able to survive it better.
i know you can.
cause i see it.

i know it.


for you.

there's a strangest excitement today.
if you're awake then you're welcome to hear.
i've got a gift and it blew me away.
from the far eastern sea straight to here.
oh God i feel like i'm in for it now.
its like a rush has gone straight to my brain.
but my voice is as lonely as loud.
as i whisper a joy of this pain.
and sddenly
you've done it all
you won me over.
in no time at all.
and now i'll stop the storm if it rains.
i'll make your fear melt away.
and the world we know disappears.
if you ask i will do what you say.
all we have is this night to get through.
with a twist of your smile your own way.
you left me all up in arms and confused.
oh God i feel like im in for it now.
and how this kiss would be wonderfully vain.
i swear i'll melt if you touch me at all.
but then i'll ask you to do it again, an again.
i'll stop the storm if it rains.
i'll light a path far from here.
i'll make your fear melt away.
and the world we know disappear.


i'll treasure what i have.
even if its slipping away.
cause i know.
that when i have it.
it made me happy.

cause we're amazing like that.

so after the really reflective post this morning.
i decided to give miss jane a message.
to go out.
haha.
sorry that i was late!

so i decided that i was hungry.
and we went to macafe.
so that i can have the yummy chunky chicken stuff.
with tomato inside!
eewww!
miss jane had to make me eat it.
disgusting!

we went to pacific plaza.
cause there were many things on sale!
we love sales!
but the stuff were ugly.
and i don't believe in ugly stuff.


we went to zara.
and we bought tops!
haha.
and now we're broke shits.

oh yes!
we went to paragon!
and we went to project shop cafe!
and had wasabi chips.
and some lime soda with many mint leaves in it!
haha.
and miss jane had to put so many cubes of sugar into my water.
and i think we were high by the time we were going to eat our chips.
cause i had too much sugar in my water.
and we took soooooo many pictures!
with miss jane's now phone!
haha.
its all going somewhere isn't it?

only we both know!

and we stole sugar from the cafe!
and ate it whole!
haha.
sugar makes people high.
period.

and we went to prints.
this paper shop.
and the freakiest thing happened!
i swear.
we have telepathy or something.
miss jane took a scrapbook.
and the idea went through both our mind.
haha.
goodness me!
telepathic much?

and she's no fun!
tsk tsk!
too shy to take pictures in the toilet where there are mirrors and its easier to take.
haha.
lousy.

lazy to blog already la.
too tired.
i'll upload the pictures.

erm.
i'll think i'll just put the link now.
and hope that miss koh will change the ugly blogskin and turn it into a really pretty one.
hurry miss koh!

oh.
and did i tell you.
i'm going to go christmas shopping with so many people.
sheryl
charmaine.
christie.
and i don't know who else.

miss jane and i bought the same handphone chain.
actually.
i paid for it!
tsk tsk!
but it was soooo cute.
we couldn't resist.

and we already know when i'm going to buy you for christmas.
expensive shits.
haha.
and cookies!
and cake!
and chocolate pudding!
rahhhh!
i'm going to be super busy.
oh whoopie.

pick yourself up.

november is slowly inching closer.
in a way.
i want it to come.
and in another way.
i want it to go.
as far as possible.

these past few days have been totally depressing for some.
even me.
maybe these are the times you realise who is really there for you.
and who really matters most in your heart.

people constantly say that they don't have love.
or that they don't have the one they love.
well.
ever think about it this way?
love is really all around you.
only in a different manner.
friends who love you are always there for you.
God who loves you who never ceases to forgive.
and your guardian angels who protect you because they love you.
and there are those who love you, that they do all they can just to make you happy.

what if everything you were hoping for.
turns out otherwise.
i don't know.
if you expect too much.
it will only lead to disappointment.
so why expect?
why not don't expect at all?
and live your life for surprises?
wouldn't it be better this way?


nessa finally thought everything over with a clear head.
and with help.
thank you for divine intervention.
thank you pet.
thank you callisa.
and baby varien too.
cause i felt your arms around me when i was crying.
thank you classmates of W14M.
for letting me cry and helping me finish my work when i was shamelessly crying in class.
and for making me laugh and cry at the same time.

and so,
nessa made this decision.
it was a little difficult at first.
because nessa wasn't willing to let go.
but whats the point really?
when there was more horrible memories rather than the happy ones.
not say horrible.
just upsetting.
and doing that book.
just made me see this clearer.
that we were always more than friends.
no matter how much we try to draw the line.
it seems impossible.
because neither one of us are willing to let anything go.
not willing to let memories go.
which is why things like this happen.

fuck. nessa isn't going to cry.

this is going to be a right decision to make.
we think we know each other too well.
but never realise when either one of us change.
and we continue to assume that either one of us are still the same.
react the same way.
and things go wrong.

thats why i had help making this decision.
i don't want to lose anything.
even you.
cause you're one of the closest friends i got.
it will only work if you agree to it.
cause it won't be fair to just say
lets start it over everytime something bad comes up.
but we know that we've tried so hard and yet there are still gaps to fill.
its nenevr ending.
its like a cycle.
and i want to break it.
like what brother says.
i'm not going to be weak.
and i'm going to stay strong to break it.
so here i am.

take as long as you want.
all i need is a couple more days to let it all out.
and then we can try for one more time.
and somehow i know.
that we can do this.
we can give this a try.
and this friendship will last until the end of time.
sher and i have lasted for 11 years with so many ups and downs.
jealously hate and anger.
but everytime, we would make it alright.
and forgot why we were upset with each other.
i want that with you.
and much more than eleven years.
and when its time for either one of our funerals.
we'll know what to do.
one memory i will keep.
that i'll die before you do.
ok.
maybe thats a joke.

so anytime when you're ready then.
but don't forget.
you're supposed to bring me to the zoo!
so please be ready be then!
thank you very much.

i'm not all that sure about penang.
you said that you would bring me there cause i never go there before.

but lets just deal with the zoo first alright?
and if you still want to bring me there.
then you let me know.
haha.
if not.
I'LL GO BY MYSELF!
and be a loner for awhile.
haha.
see how la.

but just so you know.
i'll be waiting.
you say a week.
but i'll give you as long as you want.
cause i won't force you to do things you can't.
so yeah.
take as long as you want.
just make sure its before my birthday.

nessa should listen to brother for a while.
smile.
even when you're upset.
smile.
cause you know everything will be alright.
smile.
cause you'll find joy from it.
and keep your head up.
even when the world is falling down on you.
cause you knwo that there are people who love you to guide you.
no matter where you are.
no matter where you go.
no matter who you've become.
cause love is unlimitless.
love is unconditional.
love is what brings joy to people.

but then mother thresa had to contradict.
love hurts.

but she is dead.
brother is alive.
so for now.
i choose to listen to people who are alive.
cause i had enough of listening to dead people.
if you all know what i mean.

my vision came through didn't it?
when i said that i saw you crying.
hurt and upset.
it was what claire saw too.
but i didn't think it would come true.
but now i see something else.
you're going to be stronger.
trust me on this.
and hopefully this time.
you will finally see.
and not just look.
then you'll know what this truly means.


cause,
its life made of memories gone so young.
and i'll be there for you.
even when the world starts to fall.

never again.

all you had to do.
was to say you're sorry.
and mean it.
but you'll never have my love.
never again.

this justin timberlake song. never fails to make me cry. i don't know why. but it just brings out so much of memories.
just apologise and everything else will be forgiven. but what if you let yourself down? and apologise to yourself. will it count? will you be able to forgive yourself when the time comes?
forgive yourself. for everything you think you have done wrong to yourself before you start forgiving others. it works that way.
everything starts from you. like how you begin to love yourself before you strat loving other people. you should have done that a long time ago nessa. cause if you did. you wouldn't be in this mess.

chin up nessa.
you know you can do this.

i'll still be here.
and be your pillar of strength if you need me.
even though you can't be mine anymore.
like what i told you.
like what you always told me.
there will always be people for you.
i still love you.

dig the dirt.

go ahead nessa. go and be so bloody fucking stupid and give in to your wants. give in to your impluses. knowing that you would clearly regret it later on. so whats the point in doing things like these? its not being fair to yourself.
but its not your fault you hear me. i made the first move. i made the move to steer to that path. hoping for that exact outcome.
i'm not going to let it mean anything.
as much as i hoped that it might mean something. but i knew it won't the moment that thought came into my mind.

chin up nessa.
cause it was all on impluse.
its not going to mean anything cause i won't let it.
and i hope you won't either.
it happened in the heat of the moment.
a one time thing.
and i'm not going to let it affect me.
and hopefully.
it won't affect you too.

we both know what it is now.
there is no feelings involved.

cause its not allowed when i'm not going to let it affect me.

i need to be better than this.

i think sheryl and i have made a general improvement on deciding the same things.
haha.
we bought the same top!
but she got one size bigger because there wasn't a small size for her.
and her boobs are bigger.
so i'll just gloat infront of her.
that she has to wear a bigger size than i do!
nanny nanny poo poo!
childish.
i know.

photoblog coming right up!
whoopie!
i love you sheryl.

i went to school with that darling today,
and i found out about her creepy guy!
tsk tsk!
stay away from her creepy guy.
she is mine.
anyway.
we wore the same top.
but i think we forgot to take pictures.
haha.

so going to school was spent not sleeping.
but messaging miss jane.
who had no idea that nessa wears glasses.
haha.
how could you!
oh well.
stay strong for me alright?
i'll be here to support you.
you know i'll be.

and i'm upset that you can't work with me cause of daddy dearest.
haha.
i shall have the urge to write you a love letter soon.
when the impluse comes.
i will.
on pretty paper!
unlike the one you gave me!
haha.
but i love it anyway.

i finished my science test in ten minutes.
cause nessa doesn't know how to do it.
can someone tell her that she is stupid?
gosh.
thats for not studying.
you should know better than that nessa.

nessa went out with sher.
to town.
with glasses!
oh the horror!
nessa looks absolutely horrible in glasses.
reminds me of the totally unglam days back in uniform school.
remind nessa to get new ones soon!
i won't go putting pictures here la.
haha.


photoblog for a reason right sher?

but i have to put one picture though.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
i guess there isn't much to say.
just that i'm still here.
i still care.
and i still love you.
happy 17th!

oh yes.
to my favourite two.
i think you know who you are.
stay strong.
nots not easy for either one.
i know.
i won't say i understand cause i've never personally been through it.
but i'll try my best to help you.
either one of you.
there is no denying that i love you both very much.
and when i say i won't interfere.
i won't.
i'll keep to my word.
i'll just be here to be your pillar of strength.
but the both of you have to settle this between yourself yeah?
its not my busines nor my problem.
but i'll be here if you need me.


precious;
give me a smile alright?
i know you're stronger than this!
love. =))


i've been through so much.
and i thought that i was strong.
but no.
until today, i didn't know how weak i was.
people can make decisions that they couldn't make.
but they know that its the right thing to do.
something that nessa couldn't do.
well.
everything is a lesson learnt isn't it?

you're the one.

sheryl.
you're the one.
who never fails to make me smile.
even when i'm on the brink of falling down.
you always make me forget that i'm upset.
no words can say how lucky i am to have you.
and no more can say how much i love you.
if you were a guy.
i would marry you!
haha.
you're my friend for life.
and no matter what.
i know that i would grow old with you.
and our kids will grow old together.
even on my deathbed i'll say:
" Sheryl, you mean so much to me."
i love you.
for being there.
whenever i need you.
you're special.
and one of a kind.
and i love you more than words can say.

christie.
oh my gosh.
i don't know how to say this.
maybe its only me.
but i feel that maybe we've gotten closer.
cause i felt comfortable telling you about varien.
my baby varien.
but anyway.
could you give me and sher what we asked?
haha.
i love you.
and during this tough time.
i hope you know that i'm here for you.
you're one person who is never afraid to give me a reality check.
and for that i respect you.
and i thank you.
and i love you.


i think nessa is just too confused.
too much love to give.
but i don't know why she shuts herself in.
nessa should change for the better.
and bring joy to other people's lives.

p.p.s: amazing, would you mind if we spent christmas together?
just the two of us?
i don't care if people call us mad lesbian shits.
haha.
let me know?

again in circles.

i see this is all coming back to haunt me.
well.
talk to me.
i'm not all that smart at picking hints.
so you all have to tell me.

i got what lexine said.
what about you amazing?
fiancee?
drey?

talk to me then.

amazing;
i'm really sorry about blowing you off yesterday.
i really wasn't up for anything yesterday.
but thank you got the chocolate comment.
maybe you have to buy me chocolates next time.
i don't know what happened between the both of you for this to happen.
but i hope i have nothing to do with the decision you made.

i want to go shopping with you again.
cause i felt.
that it makes us closer.
in a way.
we really think alike.
so i hope you understand where i'm coming from.

i'll tell you what i told him.


i think this is all i have to say.
if there is something about me that makes you upset.
why not tell me?
in my face?
i won't hate you.
i won't hold grudges.
i'm just horrible at this.
this is what friends do right?
tell them what they don't like about each other so that they may change for the better.
i want to change for the better.
will you all be the one to help me there?
i'm asking you all for help.
and i'm apologising.
and i hope you all will help me and change me.


this one is for baby varien.
happy birthday dear you.
you're sixteen.
and with the sweet Lord.
i never got to see you.
i never got to touch you.
but you're a part of my life as much as everyone else i hold dear.


i never told anyone about varien.
until last night.
cause i thought that he was a part that i could close off.
until last night.
where i had to face this demon again.
and it gave me a relaspe.
and i still need to face this.
i know that it isn't my fault.
but i can't help but to feel this way.


hold my hand.
and take me out of this torturous land.


thank you very much.

purest of a kind.

i have never been this tired for so damn long.
goodness me.
gosh.
but nessa should blog about the wonderful day she had yesterday.

oh yes.
nessa left school early.
to have lunch with jared.
oh whee!
and we went to pastamania to have yummy yummy food.
and creamy pasta.
haha.
but jared could not finish his food.
and i had to finish for him.
such a dumb boy.
he was rushing me to leave cuase he needed to meet marcus.
when m dear friend called sean was still at home when he said that we would meet at two and that he won't be late all.
i don't believe in that all.

sean was 20 mins late!
and marcus ended up not coming to meet jared.
stupid right?
made us wait so long all.
and so,
we were on the train.
the three of us.
when jared realised that he lost his tickets and he had to go all the way back home to find them.
did you find them?
oh yes he did.

so, precious and i went to my place when he decided that he was hungry and bought so much of food.
we were supposed to go to cathay and watch movie all.
but i don't know why.
we ended up not watching.
and we watched a dvd in my house.
and i fell asleep.
and trust me.
you don't want to fall asleep with him anywhere near you.
cause he has the weirdest way of waking people up.
haha.
and since we ate so damn much.
he has alot of fattiness by the way.
haha.
only we both know what i'm talking about.
haha.
we couldn't have expensive food for dinner.
haha.

marcus is a idiot.
i swear.
haha.
could almost kill him.
make us rush when we still have to wait for his friends.
anyway.
we ended up at the gig.

the bands before jared's band.
well.
thay suck.
like seriously.
silence of gabriel and god knows what band after that.
gosh.
i have no idea what they were singing.
so we weren't really hopeful when it came to jared's band.
but i was clearly surprised.
haha.
i think they were the only band with a good response.
haha.
and the moshies were horrible.
like.
oh please.
the place was so bloody small.
and you sill want to mosh.
any respect for the band?
like hell no!
and jared dedicated a song to sean.
haha.
but i don't know why he had to say my name also.
so embarassing la please.
anyway.
jared's band, life of controversy.
had a pretty good set.
well son.
all i have to say is.
I'M DAMN FREAKING PROUD OF YOU LA!
i know it isn't easy to perform infront of so many people with horrible moshies and a really bad sound system.
but all in all.
you guys were better than the rest.
trust me.
its not easy being the bassist and the lead singer all at the same time.
i'm really really proud of you.

anyway.
so we left after jared's set.
and we wanted to play pool.
but i don't know why.
we can't seem to decide on anything.
but i wanted to eat ice cream.
and since sean is mr anything.
we wanted to go swensens and eat.
but then they are already closed by the time we were there.
like.
what the hell!
so i was at a loss.
and mr anything wasn't much of a help.
haha.
so I decided to go to cafe cartel to eat yummy ice cream.
and on the way there.
someone decided to feel a need to teach me how to walk properly.
can you bloody hell believe it?
i don't walk properly is it?
haha.
and he was acting all gay and pretending to be a model.
haha.
funny thing.

the train we boarded was so freaking smelly.
it smelled like the mixture of period and fart.
haha.
thank god it was only one stop.

i really believe in yummy ice cream that comes in the form of MISSISSIPPI MUDPIE.
haha.
and yummy drinks like my aloha soda and oreo frappachino!
i got high on the plenty amout of chocolate and the sugar thingy in the ice cream.
what was that again?
molasses of something.
haha.
and i just had to order a salad.
cause it looked really yummy on the menu.
haha.
nessa is a sucker for good looking stuff on the menu.
haha.
and we had to rush for the last train.

gosh.
alot of stupid things happened la.
haha.
like how nessa loves to just fall down.
when someone takes it upon himself to teach her how to walk properly.
haha.
but i'm too lazy to type more.

i'll put in a song.
jared dedicated it to you on my behalf.
well.
let me dedicate this one to you officially then.

i never dreamt it be this way.
i lost any chance for me to say.
to say that i miss you.
to say that i love you.
will someone please tell me i'm okay.
i wasn't prepared for whats to come.
a life made of memories gone so young.
and now i'm regretting all i've done.
but in your heart know that i'm with you all along.
where ever you go i will be waiting.
where ever you go i will be there.
what ever it take i'll make your darkest day so bright.
i'm in your heart tonight.
i never thought that this could go.
and take me away from all i know.
and leave me to think i'm on my own.
but your love will take me, you were the one.
who sat through nights
you held me tight.
and made sure i'm okay.
and i thank you for that love you gave to me.
and if i should fall i know you're waiting.
and if i should fall i know you're there.
if ever you cry jsut know i'm in your heart tonight.

anyway.
i'm at jared's house eating yummy cheesy pizza that looks like this.


and now.
like after 5 mins.
and i haven't taken a bite.
it looks like this.


now you all know what a greedy boy jared is.
i better go and have some now.
if not i'll have none left.
haha.



goodbye and goodnight.

its just me.

i'm going to leave school early.
and go have lunch with my dear son.
and meeting sean later.
sean, please get the flithy cockroach away please!
thank you very much.

i think miss sheryl koh.
the love of my life.
broke my heart into a gazillion pieces.
cause she didn't reply my messages.
and we were supposed to go to school together.
and our weekly date.
and the pretty photoblog!
you left me all alone!

can i say,
that i,
am really really,
proud of my son.
jared!
who is going to perform tonight.
ok.
later.
and i'm meeting him later for lunch.
yum yum.
and sorry jared.
i can only give you the money like.
next week?
after i get my pay.
alright?
thank you very much.

i have to accompany miss jane for an interview with aswyn.
oooh!
i'm going to be working with miss jane!
whoopie!
i get to bully her.
cause i'm already considered senior staff.
haha.
and by the way.
nessa was high at work.
but jo the mad bitch isn't there.
i think.
that everyone who works there.
is vulgar.
and 90% of them smoke.
haha.
miss jane!
don't be like them!

i'm not going to post a song today.
i'm going to post something from the diary of my loved one.

and then i ask you,
why did you put up these walls?
why is it that no one can touch your heart?
you keep it so guarded from everyone out there.
you said that it is to protect yourself.
but why do you keep yourself from feeling whole?
you said,
cause i don't deserve happiness.
and i asked you why not.
and its all because you've suffered.
forced to grow up before your time.
see your parents forced apart.
and then you said that you don't deserve to be loved.
you're the one keeping yourself.
hiding yourself.
fuck.
can't you see that i love you damnit?
you're afraid to be broken.
when you already are.
so whats keeping you from letting me make you whole?
whats keeping you from me?

i'm you number one fan

HAPPY SWEET SIXTEENTH SEAN DOMINIC (SOON TO BE) ZENO ISERAL!
yes.
its your birthday.
and i shall sing you a birthday song when i see you then.
if that is alright.

i'm meeting you tomorrow!
movies and lunch.
and that awesome little gig that we're about to go with the rest.

you're precious you know?

and maybe i can say that you're one who knows me for who i really am.
you've seen me in everything.
you've seen me at my worst.
and you've seen me at my best.
heck.
you've seen how i look like when i just woke up and i swear that its damn ugly.

well.
there is more i would like to say.
but this wouldn't be the place to say it.
and i've got no more pictures of you to put up.
and i miss your mop hair.
so i decided to put this up.
ask your hair to grow faster alright?
cause i miss the mop hair.

i hope you spend this day doing something special.
doing something meaningful.
with the ones you love.
i mean.
that would be the ultimate way to spend a special day like this isn't it?
i know.

i love you plenty.
you're still super precious.
you still rock.


and you ask me what i want this year.
and i try to make this kind and clear,
just the chance that maybe we'll find better days.
cause i don't need boxes wrapped in srings.
and desire and love and empty things.
just the chance that maybe we'll find better days.
so thke these words and sing out loud.
cause everything is forgiven now.
cause tonight's the night the world begins again.
i need someplace simple where we can live.
and something only you can give.
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive.
and the one poor child who saved the world.
and there's ten million more who probably could.
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them.
i wish everyoe was loved tonight.
and somehow stop this endless fight.
just the chance that maybe we'll find better days.

only human.

a picture i will paint.
so you will understand.
that she was not a saint.
and her life was never grand.
she knew of suffering and pain.
because she felt them often.
and she helped so many without gain.
hoping to make her memories soften.
she smiled brightly to all her friends.
so that they wouldn't dig too deep.
she didnt want them to see their ends.
didn't want to make them weep.
she took her razors late one night.
and cut into her thigh.
she knew it wasn't a pretty sight.
but she didn't want to cry.
in the end she stopped that play.
and now she carries more scars.
to keep her company when she doesn't pay.
for her drinks in all the bars.
you see she moved on a different game.
one that the tolls weren't so glaring.
she moved into bodily shame.
and now they all call her daring.
her friends think she's innocent.
so full of life and verve.
but really her emotions are spent.
and she's lost most of her nerve.
she called for help in scilence.
but no one answered the plea.
and somehow she sensed.
that she could never really flee
so she stood up straight.
and stepped towards her end.
and looked at her friends.
they were her reason for living.
in a cold and cruel world.
she acted sweet and caring.
and never were insults hurled.
she hated ignorance and lies.
she fought for allto be free.
she comforted when people cried.
and helped to make the blind see.
and people yelled and called her saint.
but she wasn't all that grand.
she hated her life, thas why i paint.
so you will all understand.

petina

you're my rollercoaster.

and so.
nessa was just to freaking lazy to go to school.
and so.
she sits her ass in united square and sipping hot chocolate.
what a way to betray my working place cause macafe has much nicer hot chocolate cause its tastes like chocolate and not like plenty of milk with a tiny bit of chocolate powder.
trust me.
i've made plenty of hot chocolates.
and vanillas too.

and i don't know how long i can last.
studying and working at the same time.
i mean.
its was alright at chinatown point.
6 to 1030.
i would be home by eleven.
and there won't be much to do.
and there were enough space to walk around.
heck.
there would be enough place for me to run and be high.

so nessa is just waiting for her mother to wake up.
go to work.
and she would go home to sleep until god knows when.
a perfect idea.

i'll put up sean's post later.
whee!
and i think he should update too.

and sorry amazing!
haha.
i'll ask my M-----R for you.
i just messaged him.
cause i thought you weren't sure.
haha.
who knows?
i get to be the one to bully you non stop.
but i love you anyway.

you;
i don't wish to carry on like this anymore.
do you?
honestly?
how long do you want to keep doing this?
i didn't say hi for no reason.
you were the one who said that you had enough.
and so i let you do what you want to.
i was hurt.
and i still am.
i was just hoping that you would see from my point of view.
but tis alright.
i'll just let the past be in the past.
i don't care much on horrible memories though.
i'm through with being unhappy.
and they know hwo much i've tried to be happy.
maybe it was stupid to run away and drown myself with work so that i wouldn't have free time to think about things that matter.
but nessa has grown up.
claire is finally gone.
like.
finally gone.
i just want you to know.
i'm on the way there.
and i hope that you can be there with me when i really am.
i've neevr stopped being there for you.
which was why i tried to say hi.
well.
i'm still here.
just praying that you would know that.
i'll never.
never ever turn you away.

and when nessa gets home.
she will...
dig her piggy bank.
cause she will be going broke.
trust me.
i know.
cause tomorrow is the 13th.


in a way.
i feel like i want to stay like this forever.
i don't wish for another year to pass.
maybe i'm just scared.
i mean.
its only once that people turn sixteen.
and well.
i so happen to love my 16th way more than the first 15.
sure.
it was one heck of a ride.
what if i didn't take some chances?
what if i refused to let somethings go?
what if i refused to be forgiving?
what if i listened to what others said and not follow my own heart?
where would it lead me?
this particular year was one hell of a ride for me.
just when i thought that it was just going to be an ordinary year for me.
i was so bloody wrong.
so amny ups and downs in my life.
i've learnt to love.
i've learnt heartbreak.
i've learnt to take it in my stride.
i've learnt to try and try and try.
and even though there were sometimes i iwsh i didn't learn.
well.
i think God really knows what he's doing.
he's trying to make me stronger.
even thoguht its by the hardest way known to me.
liek a blow after blow.
but along the way.
i feel that maybe there were greater joys.
sure.
there might have been days where i cried until my eyes are so freaking disgusting.
but i've laughed like i never laughed before.
and i took chances that didn't seem worth it to some other people.
and i've loved like i've never loved before.
i know i've hurt some people.
and i know that i've diappoint some.
but all in all.
things like this don't happen all the time now do they?
what would 17 hold for me?
would it be better.
or would i go on with it and constantly holding onto memories that make this year really special?
i don't know really.
i can only hope for the best can't i?

claire, jsut go to hell would you?
thank you very much.